That’s right. “Lady adult.” Because “woman” sounds way too serious.
Okay, guys, it is 2:30 in the morning and here I am writing my blog post, which should be up at 9. Somewhere in between now and 11:30, I have to finish Theresa Hak Kyung Cha’s Dictee. Oh, and I guess I should sleep, too. It’s no surprise. I do everything last minute. That’s what makes me such an awful adult.
Let’s go over some of my rules for how to be an awful adult. I call it, “Lora’s Guide to Totally Sucking at Life, Responsibility, and Adulthood.”
1.) You have an e-mail you need to answer? It was sent a week ago and you still haven’t even opened it because you’re afraid of what it will say? IGNORE IT. It’ll totally just go away. My process of trying to forget about that e-mail includes a pretty ingenious strategy I like to call, “Just Don’t Check Your E-Mail AT ALL.” It’s pretty intense and complicated, and basically just involves me spending tons of hours on the Internet, with at least five tabs open on my browser, and none of those tabs say, “BSU Webmail.”
2.) You have a paper due Friday and an entire book to read before Wednesday? Yeah, you should totally watch five episodes of Veronica Mars on Netflix Instant Watch instead.
3.) You got invited to go out with some friends? Say “no, I have too much to do. I should go home.” That will totally make you feel like an adult. In fact, those good adult feelings should power you through an entire night of ignoring everything you said you were going to do. Instead, stay up until 2 in the morning reading celebrity gossip websites.
4.) Your car was stuck in the ice for two weeks? Aw, that sucks. You totally deserve to use that as an excuse not to do anything. Yeah, I know the ice is melted now. But that’s no reason to abandon a good excuse. Keep that one in your Excuse Arsenal (TM).
5.) It’s raining outside? Surely that’s a good enough reason to skip class and watch “Ellen” and eat cheese and crackers in bed. I mean, what more can they expect when there’s water coming out of the sky? It’s not like there’s some sort of dome device made of metal and nylon that you could hold over your head to keep the rain off. As if.
Here’s something that will totally shock you: I DIDN’T MAKE ANY OF THOSE UP. They were all inspired by true-life events. Also, I didn’t even really mention the best examples of my life laziness. Those are too embarrassing (also embarrassing: the fact that I can never spell the word “embarrassing” correctly on the first try).
So I’m feeling more and more anxious about the future. How can I be an adult when I am totally not built for such a task? I think maybe I’ll just drop out and mooch off my parents for a while and live in my dad’s basement except he doesn’t even have a basement so I guess maybe I’ll just sleep in the bathtub. But I can’t do that. I have dreams and stuff. It’s such a burden.
Even more discouraging is the fact that I am growing into an adult WOMAN. Right now, it’s kind of a bitch being a woman (heh heh). First of all, you have these ten things that Republicans are trying to do that directly target women, and there’s this:
Secondly, as a writer, I’m discouraged by this study of female writers, contributors and reviewers in major literary publications. Thirdly, as someone who wants to go into the entertainment industry, I’m frustrated by things like this, and this:
and the fact that only 1/3 of the people in my screenwriting class are girls and the guys can’t seem to write female characters without making them stereotypes, bitches, or stereotypical bitches and I know you people are tired of hearing me bitch about that, you bunch of bitches.
I’d say that, lately, although I’m not depressed, I’ve been feeling super down about my future, and the future of everyone. I don’t know if I can be adult, or a lady, or a lady adult. And let’s say that by some stroke of luck or idiocy, I achieve my dreams. But what about my little sister? Will she be able to do all the things she dreams about? Will she become a fashion photographer? What about my little girl cousins? Will Sadie get to be a jockey/veterinarian/dog breeder? What about any potential nieces I might have, or even daughters I might adopt (because you can bet your bippy I’m not carrying around some
parasite baby for 9 months and then expelling it from my body)? Will they have to set aside their dreams because they’re women, and because, if things keep going the way the’ve been going lately, all women will soon be reduced to a bunch of walking incubators?
Hell, how can I be content with my own (hypothetical) successes when there might be a woman not a mile away who can’t afford to get a breast exam even though she found a lump in the shower this morning, who can’t go to Planned Parenthood and get the birth control she so desperately needs, who doesn’t feel safe reporting a rape because of all the slut shaming and victim blaming she’d have to endure?
The bottom line is that having dreams is hard, being an adult is hard, and being a lady is hard, and when you’re an adult lady full of dreams – so full of dreams, they are about to make your boobs explode – it can seem almost like you will have to give up and push those dreams back into your gut and just resign yourself to being a housewife.
But that’s when you have to say, “Hey! You! Remember, the only salmon that go with the flow are the dead ones. Do you want to be a dead salmon? Hell no. Because they stink. And also a bear will eat you.”