I am so worn out from Valentine’s Day. Seriously, it’s taken me almost all of the past 48 hours to clear the flowers and chocolates and cards and jewelry from Tiffany’s and mix CDs out of my room. For the love of god, I know I’m adorable, but a girl can only handle so much affection.
/OBVIOUSLY THIS IS SARCASM
Anyway, because I’m so gotdanged (I was born in Kentucky, I’m allowed to say gotdanged) tired, I thought I’d resort to my usual tactics and write a list. Or a bunch of lists, really. Enjoy, because this is the best belated Valentine’s Day gift you bunch of yahoos are getting.
7 Things Sarah Palin Would Say to Me If She Were My Mother
1.) Don’t make that face at me. Trickle-down economics does work.
2.) Now Bristol’s getting fat, too. What did I ever do to make you guys want to spite me with your chunkiness? You’re a bunch of hefty embarrassments.
3.) Look, I know you get sick of hearing Glenn cry when he comes over to eat, but maybe next time don’t wear that Che Guevara t-shirt to the dinner table.
4.) For the last time, Michelle Bachmann and I are close but we’re not that close, so stop downloading episodes of The L Word onto my computer.
5.) You’re a free spirit, I get it. But don’t you think those “I Heart Barack Obama” underpants are a bit much?
6.) If you’re photographed reading “The Communist Manifesto” in public one more time, it’s going to cost me the election. You betcha.
7.) If you don’t stop using my half-term as governor as an excuse to only do half of your chores, you’re only going to be allowed to watch half of Top Chef on Wednesday.
2 Funniest New Internet Memes
Apparently people were a bit enraged when the sprawling indie rock band “stole” the award from Eminem, Lady Antebellum, et al. On Twitter and Facebook, hilarity ensued. Oh, did it ever ensue. Hilarity ensued the crap out of everyone.
What do you get when you take an emotive cartoon mermaid and put some thick-framed glasses on her and make her say things like, “Poor unfortunate soles… I hate breaking in new Chucks”? Hipster Ariel, that’s what. See also: Emo Mulan*, Goth Belle and Scenester Cinderella.
Click to read more if you enjoy musicals, or literature, or if you like me, or if you’re a nice person, or if you have a brain…
10 Awesome Musicals Based on Works of Literature
(This list was inspired by me and some other members of the Ball State Writer’s Community going to see a reading of the musical “Circus in Winter,” based on Cathy Day’s book. I still don’t know how they’re going to pull off an elephant or a flood on stage, but they can probably do it.)
1.) “Spring Awakening,” based on a play by Frank Wedekind
This racy rock opera features abortion, suicide, masturbation (like, three whole songs are vaguely about masturbation), child abuse, and has a graphic sex scene on stage. Take the whole family!
2.) “The Light in the Piazza,” based on a novella by Elizabeth Spencer
This musical is actually too beautiful for me to joke about. It’s set in Italy and revolves around a mother and her grown daughter on vacation. The daughter is not what she seems, and this becomes obvious when she falls into a relationship with a young Italian man. The music is so gorgeous, it makes my bones ache. The novella its based on is equally wonderful.
3.) “The Secret Garden,” based on a story by Frances Hodgson Burnett
A surprisingly touching musical with a good score. It also features what is perhaps one of the most popular male/male musical theater duets of all time, “Lily’s Eyes.”
4.) “Into the Woods,” based on every fairy tale, ever
It’s Sondheim, so of course it’s wonderful. What more can be said? It’s a wonderfully crafted story (everything that happens in the first act is completely turned on its head in the second act) with an even better score.
5.) “My Fair Lady,” based on “Pygmalion” by George Bernard Shaw
Memorable if only because the ending is infuriating and Henry Higgins is a certified grade-A douchecanoe.
6.) “Les Miserables,” based on a novel by Victor Hugo
Yeah, I haven’t seen this show in its entirety, but I’d be an idiot not to include it. The songs are great, it’s timeless, it’s a musical theatre classic, no one can pronounce its full name without sounding like an idiot, etc.
7.) “Wicked,” based on a book by Gregory Maguire, which was itself inspired by L. Frank Baum’s “The Wizard of Oz”
Perhaps the most popular musical of recent years (actually, DEFINITELY the most popular musical of recent years), plus it has an insanely catchy score. Sing “Defying Gravity” at an audition, and you will not get the part, I can guarantee you that.
8.) “West Side Story,” loosely based on Shakespeare’s “Romeo and Juliet”
Heartbreaking, beautiful, when you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way, etc.
9.) “Joseph and Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat” based on THE BIBLE
Actually I kind of hate this musical because I’m morally opposed to Andrew Lloyd Weber, but I was in this show once in high school, so I have to include it. (And I’m including a video of a shirtless Donny Osmond as Joseph, just for my mother.)
10.) “The Wild Party,” based on a poem by Joseph Moncure March
Half gorgeous, half raunchy, and all cool. It makes you feel dirty, but in a good way.
1 Fool-Proof Way to Find Osama bin Laden
1.) Have him insult Justin Bieber on Twitter. The Beliebers will find him in a heartbeat.
1 Mysterious Reminder
1.) Keep in mind that we have a SECRET GUEST MYSTERY BLOGGER on Sunday. Come by and read, it’ll totally be worth it.