As I end my college career, I’d like to take a look back at the assholes who made each class a very special hell. I’m not going to name names – I don’t remember their names anyway. Besides, after four years in college, I’ve come to suspect that the person I want to punch in every English class or Honors class has a counterpart in every other department on campus.
1.) Older lady who thinks that her many years on Earth make her an expert on every subject.
I don’t care how old you are, you’re still a student. I don’t care that you went to Japan once with your husband. I don’t care about your kids. I don’t care about the bunion surgery you had last week. Not every story from your life is going to be relevant to the class discussion. You are not co-teaching this class. This is an American Ethnic Literature class. You’re making me feel awkward, I want you to shut up… hell, the professor wants you to shut up too. They’re just too nice to say anything.
2.) The Queen of “too much information.”
Oh my god, please don’t tell that story about your ovarian cysts again. You’re on your period. You have a fungus. Your dad cheated on your mom. One of your boobs is bigger than the other. You’re only attracted to men with handlebar mustaches. Man, that’s hella interesting. Just kidding. We’re talking about post-modern art right now, so kindly shut your yap.
3.) The person with awful taste who doesn’t realize they have awful taste.
What’s that? Your favorite book is Going Rogue by Sarah Palin? Your biggest literary influence is James Paterson? This poem reminds you of a One Republic song? Shouldn’t you be at home watching your DVD of New Moon for the 87th time? Mmkay, that’s what I thought. Buh-bye.
4.) That know-it-all dude who is overweight and over-accessorizes.
This dude usually shows up in literature classes. He always wears a hat or unnecessary “dude jewelry” (the chunky, cheap looking stuff usually black or brown and made of leather). He always knows the true interpretation of everything we read. He’s usually an expert on issues of race/gender/sexuality, even though he’s white and a dude and totally straight. He usually has to mention his girlfriend several times for good measure. He’s super intense. He speaks in certainties, because there’s no way his opinions could be wrong. He takes up too much time talking even though I too had something totally awesome to say about Andrew Marvell’s “To His Coy Mistress.” Not that I’m basing this on one specific incident or anything.
5.) The raging Catholic.
This person usually appears in Honors classes (the students of the Honors college are notoriously white, religious and conservative). They will totally give me the stink-eye for the entire class period if I make a joke about the Pope and condoms. It totally harshes my academic mellow, and clearly they can’t appreciate my awesome humor. They might also double as “Person who scoffs when I say, ‘Jesus was definitely a liberal’ in class.”
6.) The “I know films better than you (because you’re a chick)” dude.
Screenwriting classes are full of these dudes. Maybe they don’t feel any lack of respect for me because I’m a chick, but they are notorious for having a cinematic hard-on for white male filmmakers and the movies they make for and about other white males (see: Christopher Nolan, James Cameron, David Fincher, everyone in Hollywood, etc.). The rule is that the more explosions or CGI or psychological thrills a film has, the better. They completely disregard anything subtle or quiet, and especially anything female-oriented. Also, they totally look like they want to rip my throat out when I say, “Dudes, The Dark Knight sucked,” which I will inevitably do.
7.) The person who, when you read “Lolita” in class, says, “It was consensual. Lolita totally wanted to sleep with Humbert. She knew what she was doing,” etc.
‘Nuff said. If you say something like this, you’re an idiot.
What really hurts to consider is that I might have inspired an entry on someone else’s list of collegiate assholes. In fact, I’d bet money that I did.
Actually, that makes me kind of proud. Here’s what it probably looks like.
8.) Angry fat girl with facial tics.
You make weird faces. You’re fat. You’re always pissed about something – usually the dumbing down of America, the Conservative agenda, or the injustices you think women face in America. You are not smart. Shut up.